Ambien and the Bell Jar

So what are you supposed to do when your mind and body both are trying to get you up to just get a few simple things done, make something of your day....but you can't seem to move. Simple lead in the boots. When you know that you have pushed everyone away, but have no idea why. It's especially infuriating because you're aware that you're doing it but can't seem to stop. Now I've apparently kept this wall around me to the point that even my one main ally, the DH, simply looked at me and said "What am I supposed to do? What's next? This has been going on for over a year now." And he's right. I was doing great when he came home last summer, man if life could only be like it was those two months. Traveling around, just my two guys, the road, an occasional visit to a family member, it was just.....happy. 

Now here I am not even a year later, having been up and down on meds more in the last few months than I have for as long as I can remember. A big part of me wants to just say fuck the meds, fuck it all. Grab some stuff, just disappear. That way I don't have to worry about affecting anyone with my mood swings. But hey, those people in the movies, they have family, the family just avoids them, right? So I could do the same thing. Just be so unbearable that they leave me be. Cause I can't exactly subsist on my disability if I don't want anyone to find me right? Oh what the hell am I saying. It all comes back to that damn thing called a conscience, where I actually care about the fact that I hurt those that I love. Especially my little guy. But don't I do the same just as I am right now? Only difference being how much of a burden I am on them. WHAT THE HELL?!!?! Why can't I be a normal human being that can take care of myself and doesn't have people checking up on them. 

So what is this doc gonna tell me this week? Let's up this med a little, or lower this med a little? I'll be damned if they put an antipsychotic in that lovely little cocktail of theirs, I don't care how many things or people I hear or see. I will not allow them to admit me either, just so they can throw some Haldol my way and my family can visit me in a wheelchair drooling out the side of my mouth. Bite me. 

Look, just chill. I'm not doing anything. Something, who knows what, feels like a crushing weight on me, and has slowly tightened a circle around me to the point where I don't really want to talk to anyone. Don't take it personal. As I told someone last night, have you not noticed that I'm not really talking to ANYONE these days unless I have to? It's nothing that they've done, I just don't see the point in conversation. Over time this has closed in, to the point where the one that I never shut out, my DH, has been shut out. I'm pretty sure my telling him it's not personal wasn't very helpful. I feel dead inside. There isn't a single thing that I enjoy right now. Oh well.  I'm allowed to vent right, isn't that what this is for? And for others who are having similar issues to talk. Cause there MUST be more of me out there. As much as might like to think I'm such a "special little person", lol, I'm just one of many. I'm just crazier than the majority of the people in my family and/or friends, so I stick out a bit. I need to find a group of sore thumbs that I won't stick out from as much. Although I doubt I'll want to talk to them much either, since I don't like being around people, or talking to those I don't know....hmmm I don't know just how far this is gonna go. 

I just find it funny, some show I was watching last night, I was watching some comedy show and the mom said to the daughter "I'll just stick you in your room with a bottle of Ambien and Slyvia Plath books and we'll see who makes it longer!" lol She was joking of course. I however looked to M and laughed said "Funny, I have both, and I love "The Bell Jar"." ha