I have this little tape recorder that I had used for a couple days when I got really sick not too long ago and was hallucinating, I believe from the medicine I took. I remember the hallucinations like one might recall a dream, kind of hazy and almost like you're not sure it happened or not. I know it did because of some of the strange comments I had made on my Facebook status at the time though. I had found the recorder a few days before I got sick; I had been wanting to use it to record things as I thought of them since I forget things as quickly as I think of them usually. So once I found it, I did just that. Thing is, I can't find it now. I know that I used it when I was hallucinating, and I remember getting really upset and crying as I was talking, but I don't know what it was about. I don't have any recollection of the time just after the hallucination problem and I can't find this damn thing for the life of me. Part of me wants to find it because I want to know what I was talking about, it's really unnerving this whole memory thing. But another part of me is wondering, am I forgetting all this for a good reason? Maybe my mind knows it would be best not to remember and that's why it seems to be blocked.
It brings up that whole argument about repressed memories, whether they're real or is a suggestion from someone making you think you're recalling things that never actually happened? Did I really have a tape recorder even? I can't find the thing, so maybe I didn't. And herein lies the issue of my memory problem. I get told by people that something happened, and I have absolutely no recollection of it, I seriously wonder if they're just screwing with me. But then I think, they wouldn't do that. And then there's little things, like the other day, there was a new bar of bath soap in the shower. I asked J if he put it there and he said he hadn't, M said the same. Which only left me. To this moment I have been trying to picture that and recall it and I can't. It seems so minor, but these things happen all the time and it's driving me crazy. Although it seems I may already be there. I've seriously begun to wonder what's real and what's not these days. How could two whole weeks be completely gone from memory, especially two that were so rough, and just happened?
My meds don't seem to be working, all this weird memory stuff is happening, what is going on with my head? I have an appointment with the memory clinic at the VA next week, we'll have to see how that goes. It's just kind of disturbing to see things that you know you wrote, but it feels like a stranger wrote it. The more I think about it, the more I think I may not want to find that tape recorder. Which of course means that I will.
Funny, I was just looking up bipolar disorder associated with memory loss and it appears to be a symptom of depressive episodes. After looking through the stuff though, it almost seems like I'm having symptoms of both manic and depressive. I know that can happen, and I think it's happened with me before. I just had to call M and ask him what happened when I took lithium because I actually couldn't remember (the page had mentioned lithium is often combined with depakote, they've only ever given me one or the other). How one doesn't remember getting lithium poisoning is beyond me. So I think I'm in an episode....or something, or am I? Dammit I don't know anything for sure anymore.
